


I Saw Three Ships (And Heard Only Pornography)

by SonjaJade



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, Sports
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 08:38:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10433751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonjaJade/pseuds/SonjaJade
Summary: Havoc’s going suffocate himself if he doesn’t plug his ears!





	

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place within my "Whatever it Takes" universe, but before Braeda and Madame are engaged and just after Jackie’s birth. You don’t have to read that to get this. Thank you, once again, to bay115 for the beta!
> 
> FMA Fic Contest prompt: That's what SHE said!

Some nights, when the bar was full of the regular riff-raff (like the dope pusher who liked to hang out near Peach and Vine, or the sleazeball who pretended to be a homeless Ishval vet and panhandled for his whore money), Braeda would play bouncer while one of the girls played bartender.  This night in particular brought an old friend and a new one.  
  
“I still say the Bears are going to make it to the playoffs,” Havoc said as he blew smoke toward the ceiling.  “They’re playing too good not to get in.”  
  
Braeda kept his eye on the bearded man in the long brown raincoat and hat, watching how Vanessa handled him as he started a tab.  “I think my money’s on the Comets.  That Nielman guy’s a superstar, iron-clad defense or not.”  He flagged Vanessa down for another beer.  “But I guess if you know witchcraft, you might be able to pull a win out of your ass for the Rebels.”  
  
“Shit,” Havoc grunted, “how do you think they made the semi’s in the first place?  Somebody sacrificing first born sons and chanting black spells backwards, that’s how.”  
  
Vanessa sat a cold bottle down in front of Braeda and murmured, “Never seen him before.  Tab’s under the name Bob Johnson- you got a clue?”  
  
Braeda shook his head.  “What’s your gut say?”  
  
She furrowed her brows in thought, then chirped, “I got five hundred Cenz on the Raiders.”  
  
Havoc laughed loudly, smacking the bar top.  “You just lost good money!” he howled.  
  
Even Braeda couldn’t help a grin.  “Not sure that was the wisest bet, but we’ll see.”  
  
She shrugged nonchalantly.  “I’ll make it back in an hour, no biggie.”  Havoc gagged on his lager and she put her hands on her hips.  “And what’s funny about that?”  
  
“I wouldn’t give _you_ that much for it!” he snickered.  “Maybe the Madame, but not you!”  
  
“Listen here, you country bumpkin!” Vanessa hissed.  “I work just as hard up there as I do down here, and if you weren’t so uptight and committed to Miss Sciezka, and if I was in a more generous mood, I’d show you just what it is that _earns_ me that money!”  
  
“Alright,” Braeda intervened.  “I think you better get back to working that Johnson over there.”  
  
Laughter consumed Havoc, his face turning red as he wiped tears from his eyes.  “I can’t believe you just fuckin’ said that!  To _her_ of all people!”  
  
“Shut up, you idiot,” Vanessa growled.  “I’ll find out what’s up with him- just watch the master ‘bait’ her prey.”  
  
Havoc was wheezing by this point and even Braeda couldn’t help a snort of laughter at her deliberate phrasing.  She sashayed toward the older man and offered him a cigarette.  
  
“I’ve been workin’ this bar a long time and I’ve never seen you before, Mr. Johnson.  What brings you to the Christmas Inn?”  
  
He smiled at her, the fatigue of a long day in his eyes.  “I’m a travelling salesman.  I sell advertisements on ships in bottles.”  
  
Braeda blinked in surprise, listening as Vanessa prodded him for more info.  “How’s that work?”  
  
He settled his beer bottle, then reached down for a large briefcase.  He opened it and withdrew a large bottle with a ship inside.  “See?  We put the company logo on the sails along with anything else you like.  In this case, the phone number and the slogan.”  
  
Vanessa whistled at the tiny details of the boat, asking, “But it’s so big, how did you get it in there?”  
  
Havoc chortled, and Braeda ignored him.  
  
“It’s easy when you’ve been doing it as long as I have.”  
  
“Goddammit!” the sniper whimpered.  Braeda gave him a warning look, and turned back to the neat bottle Vanessa was offhandedly displaying for them.  
  
“So how do you do it?” she asked.  
  
“You craft the whole thing outside the bottle apart from the stand the ship sits on.  Then you slip it inside, raise the sails by pulling this little string, and take the cork and stuff it in to hold it in place.  Trim the tail off and there ya go!” He pulled out a smaller ship with blank sails.  “I could make you one, for a small fee of course.”  
  
Vanessa hummed in thought.  “How small of a fee are we talking?”  
  
“Well, it depends on how small of a ship you want.”  He gestured to the three different sizes in his case.  “I can go as little as three inches or as big as nine.”  
  
“I’m gonna piss my pants!” Havoc crowed as Braeda kicked him.  
  
“Is he alright?” Johnson asked as he looked over at the hopeless fool.  
  
“He’s had too much to drink,” Braeda apologized.  “Don’t pay him any mind.  And how do you price the different sizes?”  
  
“The bigger you go, the cheaper it gets!” the man grinned.  “It’s harder to work with the smaller ones, the bigger ones are much better.”  
  
“YOU ARE KILLING ME!” Havoc cried, slipping off the barstool and grabbing his coat off the coat tree.  He laid a hundred Cenz coin on the bar and sobbed with laughter all the way to the door.  
  
“What’s eating him?” the man inquired in a worried voice.  
  
“Nobody, and that’s his problem,” Braeda answered.  “Sorry, it’s just his girlfriend just had a baby and it’s been a few months since he… y’know…”  
  
“Ohh, I understand,” the man nodded.  “Went through that a few times myself.  Poor bastard…”  
  
“So do you charge by the letter?”  
  
And Havoc was soon forgotten (though Havoc would _never_ forget).


End file.
